Emotional Roller Coaster

This past week has been rough.

To be frank, I have been mean.

My emotions have been out of control.

I’ll snap at my kids or my husband. Then feel better….and often justified. Then a bit later I feel like crap all over again.

One moment I want to cry, another moment I want to yell. But I handle it the way I handle so many emotional things….I keep stuffing it down and finding all my happy oils to “fix me” and keep going, keep going, keep going.

Then it hits me (well honestly my sister reminded me). I’m coming up to the anniversary of my Mom’s death.

I cannot believe I forgot it. In fact, just writing this, makes me sick.

How could I have forgotten such a huge event in my life? How can I sit here and even type it, and hit submit, to then admit it to the world? As if she could be just erased like that…from my mind.

The thing is though, I really hadn’t forgotten. My body knew. It was fighting me all week to remember. If I had just allowed myself to slow down and to just be with my feelings….I would have known why. But instead I fight it. Just like I’m fighting the tears right now as I write. Why do that? It needs to come out! Let it go, stop suffering.

I miss her, I do. It’s been 8 years and in this moment, it feels like it just happened. I can’t believe she has missed so much. How is that even possible? How could seriously 8 years have just gone by?

This right here though, this is cathartic. I needed to own these thoughts. I needed to allow my body to just release. To surrender to my feelings.

The important thing I want you to take away from this is, events from our past continue to impact our lives, even if we don’t “remember” them.

When a big old emotional roller coaster starts coming at you, don’t fight it. Allow it to drive on by….run over you if it needs to. Just sit with it and let is happen. Pushing it away will do you no good. It’s a freaking roller coaster for cruds sake. You can’t stop that! Not on your own anyways. Let it move through you.

Bow Tie Lessons

Have you ever learned how to tie a bow tie? Have you ever cared? ūüôā

I am helping assist a gigantic wedding this coming weekend and its going to be very lavish. I have worked many of a fancy wedding, but this one is going to top all from before.

Part of the deal the coordinator made from booking this wedding, is that a team of people need to know how to tie a bow tie. I have put this baby off, thinking it can’t be too complicated. But after watching several YouTube videos and practicing on myself, my husband and anything else I can find lying around….I can tell you I need way more practice and it’s harder than it looks.

Hey now…..

 

If you know me, than this isn’t an excuse…it just means I will be living, breathing and dreaming of bow ties for the next three days.

That’s cool. I don’t have anything else to obsess about at the moment.

Wish me luck as I prepare to decorate our home in bow ties and my poor children the second they walk through the door, from school. ūüėČ

This might work as a new funky decoration!!

If you have tips for me, send them along!

This was the hardest one yet. My bow tie is too big for midget.

My new 4 -6 week lifestyle…like it or not

I have been dealing with some gastro-intestinal issues since November. I have made some diet and supplement changes which have helped, but nothing is just fully getting rid of the problems. I am basically using a drop of Digize Essential Oil on my stomach daily, due to tummy upset, bloat or discomfort. So because of this, two of my doctors suggested a diet re-haul to try and get me back on track and maybe discover what food(s) might be causing the issues. So here I am, on day three of the Low FODMAP¬†Diet. Haven’t heard of this? Yeah me either, until recently.

FODMAP stands for Fermentable Oligosaccharides, Disaccharides, Monosaccharides and Polyols. Yes, super confusing. Basically that is a list of foods that have carbohydrates in them, that often times are hard to digest. So by doing a low FODMAP diet, I am eliminating those items for 4-6 weeks. After that I get to slowly bring back item by item into my diet to see what may be causing a negative reaction to my gut.

To be honest, my doctors suggested this diet about 3 weeks ago. I put it off as long as I could. Enjoying every morsel of food I would shortly not be allowed. But dude, punishment ensued. My gut does NOT like something. I have pretty much had a tummy ache for a week straight.

So here I am, day three. I am still very much so easing my way in to this diet.

Day one was sad. Here is a picture of my lunch. It was like I was refusing to even try.

Corn tortilla quesadilla with sharp cheddar cheese, turkey and spinach. Next to a scoop of steamed sweet potatoes. Yes, pretty sad. 

But yesterday I got tired of complaining and decided to make myself a real meal. Now doesn’t this look much better?

Grilled chicken which had been marinated in mustard, fresh basil and cilantro. With a side of kale salad and mashed potatoes.

I’m still waking up over here and am not a big early morning eater. But the plan is homemade banana and egg pancakes with a side of sausage. See! I can do this. It’s not that bad.

For those interested here in a simple guide of the foods I am allowed and not allowed to eat. Again, its more detailed than this. I have a cool app I’m using that allows me to enter foods in to see if its Low FODMAP, which is super helpful. But having this list (that I found on Pinterest) when I go to the grocery store is nice too.

Thank you Hillarys Home for this useful guide

Anyone else done this elimination diet? Any tricks or recipes you want to pass my way? I will be grateful!!

The double bag packer

Today is a big day in our home. Our 5th grader is officially going on his first ever field trip, without mommy or daddy as a Chaperone.

I have been blessed to be a work at home/stay at home mom, I know this. It has allowed me to participate in my kids lives and education more than most. It’s also a big reason why I do work from home. I needed to be there, like I have been.

As I packed his lunch in the required brown bag though….I became the mom that I had always silently cursed as a Chaperone. I am¬†the mom who packed two bags. One for drinks and one for his lunch. Doesn’t sound like much, but when you are in charge of carrying a group of kids lunches and you have several kids bringing multiple bags, this gets heavy real quick.

But its going to be hot today….

also he gets dehydrated fast….

we need to drink at least 8 glasses of water a day,what’s 24 little ounces for the trip……

I’m a worrier and over-thinker <——————— ding ding ding ding!

I rationalize it as this. Because I have chaperoned at each of my kids every field trip (or the hubby has), I know MY packed water has become my child’s, repeatedly.

So it’s here, right here. I’m sorry other mommas and dads. I’m sorry for the years and years of hating you as my back ached! It took me awhile, but I NOW understand! Please accept my heartfelt apology!

 

 

No such thing as a happy pill, nothing happy about pills!!

This new life of supplements, is a true test of what I am willing to do to feel better.

I HATE (yep, a rare moment that I am allowed to use this word) pills, medication, supplements, etc. I avoid taking stuff like this at all costs. I don’t care how much you tell me I won’t taste anything, I do. Man, I remember those gigantic horse pills (multi-vitamins) I had to take during pregnancy. I swear it is part of the reason I will not be having any more kids!

I had to take 6 supplements this morning….6! I had to swallow them down with a drink that tastes like black licorice and kind of looks like watery diarrhea (hell yeah, to the visual). I gag every single morning. Worse part about it, is this is JUST the morning supplements. I am taking 13 a day right now. Yuck.

I have always been awful at taking my “medicine.”

When I was away at college, my family sold our home that we had lived in for 12 years. In the process of cleaning stuff out, my dad moved my waterbed (which mind you had been put in its place when I was about ¬†8…. that bed stayed in one spot for 10 years).

So when my dad removed the bed, he discovered my deep dark secret. Years and years of having a headache, or a cold, or the flu….whatever. They would bring me a glass of water with my medication. I would put it in my mouth, drink the water and when they left the room, I would pull the pill out of my mouth and slip it down the crack behind my bed. Dad said there were hundreds of pills down there.

Is this something others deal with, or just me and my neurotic self? How do I trick my mind in to just dealing with it? Believe me, I am aware the more I think about it, the worse it is. When I think about it, I gag just to gag and a whole cycle of gagging begins and people….I truly don’t want to gag!

Help!!!

 

Getting to the light

Please forgive me for not keeping up with my blog posts lately.¬†Honestly, since late December I was dealing with some crazy health stuff. I was in and out of the doctors all the time and they¬†ran so many freaking tests, but nothing was getting concluded. It was very frustrating. I was feeling awful, my body was fighting something…but nobody could figure out what and I didn’t feel like they cared.

Do you know how bad this messes with your brain?

I got depressed.

I felt myself getting into “a fog.” If you haven’t ever dealt with depression, that’s my best way to describe it. It’s kind of dark, you can see a light… but can’t really get to it. You get tired all the time and obviously sad. I was unmotivated and convinced I was dying. I was fighting off anxiety attacks all the time. My doctors kept just throwing antibiotics at me, but straight telling me they had no idea why.

Then one day, my friend gave me the name of her Naturopath.

Look, I consider myself a natural’ish momma. I only buy clean and organic foods when I can, we drink from our house filtered water only, I use my oils first…before anything else. But, I love a good cheeseburger occasionally, I enjoy a glass of wine, I try very hard to always keep homemade cookies in our cookie jar. I’m not perfect, so very far from it, but I try.

A¬†Naturopath though? That’s super foreign to me. I go where the insurance pays, ya know? That’s it. I was at my wits end though and had to do something different, so I went. Now, I can not vouch for all Naturopaths, but mine…..holy wow! I left there feeling heard. He cared. He cried along side me. He promised this would get figured out. On top of all of that, he checked in on me regularly via email and if I didn’t respond back to him, he called. I have never¬†experienced such care before. The best part is he did¬†NOT bad talk the doctors I was seeing. He was there once too, he knows what they are taught and how they are paid and given bonuses…the system is cracked….not the doctors.

So here I am …..getting help. Feeling much better and best of all I am not just a number anymore. Between that and some very special friends who helped me with oils work and just listening, I am AT¬†the light. I am doing good.

Thanks for bearing with me. Happy to be back!!

New Plan

I decided something this week, which basically will leave me hating life at times and sore . BUT, starting this past Monday my plan is for the next 8 weeks to get 6 days of workouts in a week and to eat clean. Two to three workouts will be at my gym, then the rest will be as I choose (hiking, walking, running, a workout video, etc).

My thought is that this might suck, but it’s time to kick this baby up a notch. What’s the harm in doing this? I can only gain something from it. I mean whoever thought to themselves at the end of the day, “Boo, I wish I didn’t workout today.”

I need help being accountable though. I’m pretty good at sticking to a goal, but something like this is so outside of my comfort zone, that I need an extra push. So I posted¬†to my social media yesterday. I was reaching¬†out to my friends and family asking them if anyone would like to do any of these workouts (outside of the gym) with me. I was super pleased with the responses I had. Friends from all different areas of my life, volunteering to¬†help push me.

So now it’s up to me. I need to¬†sit down schedule stuff out and plan ahead, because that’s how you make it work, right?

I already have the food part figured out. I have an amazing friend who has been helping me. She gives me my weekly food list, every Sunday. But as for the workouts….. the only thing I can think of, is just blocking off the time of day I am going to do that workout and if others had wanted to join me that day, fill them in too.

Anything I am missing? Pointers?

Look at this beautiful view. I’m not much of a runner, but it’s a lot easier to push yourself, when this is your view!

Happy 2017!

Every New Years Eve I pick a word to represent the goals I have set for that upcoming year.

Last years word was change. My goal in 2016 was to allow myself the change that was needed in my moving life. I joined a new gym, I picked up new hobbies, I started a blog, joined a new club and I pushed myself out of the box, often.

This year my word is structure. I have always been a pretty organized person, but with the changes I made last year, my life, home and some of my work has become a bit of a mess. It has been driving me insane, but I felt so busy, that making it a priority had stopped.

Welp, I’m back on it this year. It’s not going to be an easy job. But I am getting it ALL organized. I am working on a list of to dos. My desk is first, then business taxes, but after that…. the sky is¬†the limit. I need to figure out my kids room, my bedroom, I need to work on getting better at working out of a planner again and so much more.

I need to unclutter the brain a bit, to unclutter my life, to get focused.

Do you pick a word every year? What is yours for 2017?

Be Epic

You all know that I am going through changes in my life. Trying to find me again. The me, outside of “mommy, wife, friend.”

One of the things I started taking on was my workouts.

I have always been athletic, but as I grow older and (ahem) rounder…getting out and doing things that once fascinated me, have proven to be more difficult.

But recently after joining my new gym, which has continued pushing me past what I thought my body could handle. I started signing up for some little 5ks and 10ks.

Then my friends started pushing me past that.

I signed up for the Spartan race months ago and due to pneumonia, was not able to do it. I was totally devastated.

Later I signed up for the Epic race, which is very similar to Spartan (in that it is an intense obstacle race…but more subdued).

Last week I ran it.

Seriously you guys. I had a blast!

It was hard as hell at points, but so much fun. I was doing things that you never get to do in everyday life….well all at once.

The race itself is less than 2 miles, but in that 2 miles there are more than 25 obstacles you have to overcome.

The race starts off with your group running around the entire track with flags attached to a huge pvc pipe (the bounce on that sucker was crazy). Then from there…well too many obstacles to list, so how about my favorites and my….not so favorites?

Favorites

-The Walls. Ok, this was a love hate. It reminded me of my youth. Just running and jumping or climbing over a fence to go where you want to go. But holy cow. Sometimes getting this tush actually over that wall, was a bit harder than I remembered. I have bruises along my torso where I was throwing myself against the wall to get over.

– The Inflatable Battle Course. Um, yes please. It’s like all those fun inflatables our kids get to play on at birthday parties….on steroids. So much fun!!

-Lumberjack Challenge. I think this was a favorite just because it was in the beginning, when I had energy. But there was something satisfying about pushing this gigantic pole up and over and hearing it clang again and again. Even if you had to do it 15 times.

-Weighted Russian Twists. It was nice to sit for a moment. lol

NOT My Favorites

-Atlas Stone. 2nd obstacle of the course and ouch. Even the lightest stone was a beast. Hefting this sucker up and then over your shoulder 15 times tired out my muscles really well.

-Archery. This surprised me, since I normally like stuff, like this. But, by the time I got to it, my arms were like jello. I could barely pull that bow-string back!

-Rope Climb. Obviously this is an area I need to focus on this year. It was a catastrophe.

-Barrel Run. Last item on the race. Which I’m sure was part of the problem…I was spent. But the weighted barrel on your neck….it freaking hurt. It was so uncomfortable. I kept wanting to find a new place to put it…which wasn’t allowed.

All in all. I will definitely sign up again. After the race my friends called me to let me know that I was in 10th place for women in my age group….which was pretty cool. I wasn’t trying to go fast, I was just trying to complete it.

 

Mommy Guilt

Guilt. Man I am a pro at guilt. I also know most mommies around me are pretty dang good at this too.

Why is it that sometimes no matter how hard we try on something….an ugly, yucky feeling starts lurking in the corner? The thought of how much more COULD you have done, creeps in.

Though I am an expert at mommy guilt, I am going to work harder to push that aside.

It pops up at very unsuspecting times though.

For an hour this past weekend I locked myself in my bedroom wrapping presents. I was enjoying a glass of wine, loving the re-runs of Gilmore Girls and wrap, wrap, wrapping. I was putting the tag on the last gift when boom, I was hit with a cruddy feeling.

What have your kids been doing this whole hour? Why are you taking such pleasure in this “you” time? You should be doing this when they are asleep, and enjoying them while you can!

The truth is, they were having a blast. The dining room clutter was proof of this. They had every battle ship out they could find, they were building forts with their Lincoln Logs and army men were everywhere. My husband was putting Christmas lights up on the house. He was accessible if they needed anything. It truly was fine.

I think us mommies have to pull together on this one.

Next time you see a friend doing her all, but getting down on herself about the dishes still sitting in the sink, the laundry pile growing or the fact that the kids haven’t showered in two days. You take that lady, hold her tight and tell her “No way girl, I’m not allowing this. You ARE enough. You ARE strong and you ARE doing your all.”

Pushing aside guilt, one hug at a time.