Emotional Roller Coaster

This past week has been rough.

To be frank, I have been mean.

My emotions have been out of control.

I’ll snap at my kids or my husband. Then feel better….and often justified. Then a bit later I feel like crap all over again.

One moment I want to cry, another moment I want to yell. But I handle it the way I handle so many emotional things….I keep stuffing it down and finding all my happy oils to “fix me” and keep going, keep going, keep going.

Then it hits me (well honestly my sister reminded me). I’m coming up to the anniversary of my Mom’s death.

I cannot believe I forgot it. In fact, just writing this, makes me sick.

How could I have forgotten such a huge event in my life? How can I sit here and even type it, and hit submit, to then admit it to the world? As if she could be just erased like that…from my mind.

The thing is though, I really hadn’t forgotten. My body knew. It was fighting me all week to remember. If I had just allowed myself to slow down and to just be with my feelings….I would have known why. But instead I fight it. Just like I’m fighting the tears right now as I write. Why do that? It needs to come out! Let it go, stop suffering.

I miss her, I do. It’s been 8 years and in this moment, it feels like it just happened. I can’t believe she has missed so much. How is that even possible? How could seriously 8 years have just gone by?

This right here though, this is cathartic. I needed to own these thoughts. I needed to allow my body to just release. To surrender to my feelings.

The important thing I want you to take away from this is, events from our past continue to impact our lives, even if we don’t “remember” them.

When a big old emotional roller coaster starts coming at you, don’t fight it. Allow it to drive on by….run over you if it needs to. Just sit with it and let is happen. Pushing it away will do you no good. It’s a freaking roller coaster for cruds sake. You can’t stop that! Not on your own anyways. Let it move through you.

The Mixed Emotions of Mothers Day

Mothers Day is almost here.

This day always brings out different emotions for me. It’s a love/hate.

I love it because my family is good about spoiling me and jumping on my requests. The list is always the same:

  1. Allow mommy to sleep in
  2. Simple homemade breakfast from my family
  3. My husband and children clean the house up
  4. One fun family activity out
  5. Back home for more relaxing

Doesn’t that sound heavenly? I pretty much always get this on Mothers Day and my birthday, but some years (ahem this year) morning sports has jammed me up. No sleeping in for this momma…..boooooo!

The other side of the coin for me on this day, is not having my mom to celebrate with. It’s hard enjoying a day reserved for you and all the hard work you put in year round, when you miss the person who use to do that kind of stuff for you!

On strong years (you know, the years where those nasty emotions don’t overwhelm me), I like to take a flower to the beach and throw it in the ocean for my mom. A little gift for her. I have not been able to do this yearly, but close.

So, to all you mommas out there celebrating your day, but also missing your mom. I have a tip.

It’s ok to cry, you don’t have to hide it. Share a great memory of your mom with your children through the tears. Then laugh and enjoy all you have and all you will continue having.

You got this!

My mom, me and my dad. One of the rare occasions I received a Citizenship Award at school. I was a talker, lol.

Your Essence

Have you ever heard of an Essence Workshop? If you ever have the opportunity to attend one of these babies, I highly recommend it.

Basically this workshop helps you find the person you are. The person you were born to be.

This is who you feel you are at your absolute best. The crazy part is though,that even at your weakest moments, this “essence” is still shining through. Others can see it and feel it just by really looking at you and hearing your voice.

This past week I joined a group of great women to do this workshop.

Let me tell you though, the part about people seeing this essence, even when you are at your weakest moment, was truly tested.

Lets just start off by saying, I am not a crier.

I cry, yes. But generally when I’m by myself, in the shower.

I know, it’s strange. I don’t know why this is. I don’t care when other people cry in front of me. But the judgement I lay on myself for crying in front of others is intense. It’s embarrassing for me and I pretty much shame myself.

I’m working on it.

Anyways, this particular day I went to this event and I was OFF. I have been struggling a bit lately with some personal health stuff and I was getting to a crazy breaking point. I walked in the door and felt myself struggling. I tried to stop it, I focused on my planner and emails I had received that morning. But as soon as the group started and we had to introduce ourselves, the flood gates opened. I was dying on the inside. Telling everyone this “isnt me.” It was bad.

But the thing is, when it was my turn to have everyone shout out my words. The words they felt that come from me, just as I sat there….they nailed it. It was me, at my best.

How is that possible? I was my most vulnerable self!

When the coach asked me what I thought of  my words. I told her it looked like a lot of work to live up to on a daily basis, but I loved them all. Then she reminded me, “But this is who you are just sitting here, it’s not work, it’s you!”

What a relief. What an amazing feeling! I can be all that, without the pressure to maintain it?!


Results are in


I began my gyms (NXPT) fitness challenge 6 weeks ago.

Quick overview: teams of three, diet change, workout in the gym as much as possible, get some type of exercise in at least 5 days a week, do as many of the extra challenges as you can (bingo card) and help your team out. Encourage.

My team and I had some difficulties when it came to the challenges, especially where all three of us had to do items together. We are three ladies all in different times in our lives. Having the same availability proved very very hard. I am a work at home mom, during the middle of the day (noonish) is generally when I can do stuff. My teammates both work full time…they usually had to do night. Being a momma of two active boys makes week day nights pretty much impossible and games every weekend tends to squash that idea, as well. But I’m very proud of how much we got done!

Morning of the weigh in….I wasn’t thrilled. TOO MUCH INFO TO FOLLOW, but the night before, Auntie Flo came for a visit. The last thing I wanted to do was get in a bathing suit and stand in front of someone who is weighing me and then measuring me. BLAH.

BUT my results came back great! I’m super excited to report I lost 5 pounds. I know, this doesn’t sound like much, but I have been struggling with 10 pounds for a year and half. I would maybe lose a pound here or there, but pretty much every time I weighed myself (drs appointments) I was right back to that original weight.

Even better, I dropped almost 15 inches from my body, I lost 7.5 pounds of fat and gained 2 pounds of lean muscle.

I still have a ways to go. I’m pretty proud of myself though. I also plan on continuing this “diet” (truly though it’s not a real diet, I’m actually eating way more than before, including more calories), but will now allow myself one cheat day a week ……Thanksgiving here I come. 🙂

Directly after getting dunked in the tank (which measures fat and muscle) and after my measurements were taken. I think I was still in shock.

Directly after getting dunked in the tank (which measures fat and muscle) and after my measurements were taken. I think I was still in shock.

Picture Perfect

Yesterday I was a bundle of nerves.

I have been in need of some headshots, for awhile now. Like probably about 3 months. I asked a friend when she was back in town, if she would take some pictures of me and she said yes. Well it’s Thanksgiving week, she is back in town and she agreed to take those pictures yesterday.

THIS is why I was so nervous. Isn’t that ridiculous? Honestly though, after I applied some oil to my wrists to tried and calm my tush down, I sat back for a second to think why.

The only time I have ever had pictures done of just myself, was my senior portraits. That’s it! I didn’t even have pictures just taken of me, on my wedding day. Well, maybe I did, I don’t remember….but there are none in my wedding album, so I am thinking I didn’t.

I’m not scared of pictures. I like my smile. I am even starting to appreciate the lines that are appearing everywhere when I do it. But, when I’m having pictures done, it’s with my family. Generally the children are front and center.

This is an issue! Why do this? Why not have fun and feel pretty? Appreciate who you are. Treat yourself!

But instead I kept feeling vain. Then I would feel silly for feeling vain.

My friend was amazing of course. She pushed me and guided me and from what she showed me, those pictures are going to be great! As of today, I am actually excited to see them.

Am I alone in this? Is this common? I mean, I really kind of hope not. I truly do. I pray that everyone (men, women, etc) feel comfortable enough with themselves that a solo picture with a professional, would be no big deal. I hope this is just another area of ME that I need to work on. Now I need to figure out how to fix this.

This is me after the pictures, with my amazing and talented friend Melissa Koehler. Thanks for helping me through it!

This is me after the pictures, with my amazing and talented friend Melissa Koehler. Thanks for helping me through it girl!


Changing, one 5k at a time…..


This might not look like much to you. But to me, this is a visual representation of the changes I have started making this year.

Changes of a new me, a better me, getting my butt out of my comfort zone and pushing myself further.

These three medals are the only medals I have ever earned in my adult life for running. I got them all, this year!

Now mind you, they have all been for 5k’s, nothing too great. BUT, my goal is to be able to keep moving and to keep pushing and to sign up for my first 10k by January.

Do I love running?

Six months ago the answer was “Oh hellllllll no.” Now my answer is, “Hmmmm, I can appreciate it.”

So that’s improvement, right?

In December I will be running my first real obstacle course race. I’m in training now for it. This sucker makes me nervous, but I’m also super excited about it!!

Wish me luck…or pray for me. I probably need both. 😉

Fork In The Mountain


In life there are so many times when we are standing at a fork in the road and have to decide if this challenge we are going through is worth it.

Should I go one way and just be done. Go back to life as I know it.

Or should I go the other way and push myself. Not knowing if it’s a good idea or what to expect, but knowing it will be different.

This weekend I got to experience this with my oldest.

I had an early morning hike planned with friends on Saturday to climb to the top of Cowles Mountain. Cowles Mountain is a 1,591 foot summit and the highest point in the city.  It’s hard work, but once you are there it’s beautiful and absolutely worth it.

About 10 minutes before I walked out the door on Saturday, I offered my oldest kiddo to come along. He surprised me with a quick yes and once he was dressed, we were off.

Man, that kid was excited, bouncing all over the place. We met up with our friends at the base of the mountain and started climbing. After about 20 minutes, I watched the happy go lucky grin slowly but surely disappear and the grunts and groans began. I told my friends to go ahead and we will do this at whatever pace he wanted. Another 15 minutes in, he was hating this decision. He was honestly, probably not liking me too much either.

So we recouped. I took him just off the path a bit and we had a talk. All I told him was, “this is hard, you’re right. But its not impossible. One step in front of the other, take your time, try to enjoy the views and do me a favor as we walk…..start checking out all of the people walking it with us. What you will see is every single shape and size. You will see young, old, fit, not fit…you will see people really struggling and some people running. But the one thing in common is, almost every single one, makes it to the top. You are in charge of your body, you get to decide how far you go. But, I KNOW you can do it.”

He was ready again, so we started off. This time he was smiling at people as they went by. Pointing out the pretty views, the cool looking dogs and how happy people looked as they were going back down the mountain.

The last 1/8th of a mile is the hardest…in my opinion. The well made trail kind of disappears, it’s mostly rocks to climb around and it’s steeper (or at least it feels like it). I was hurting, but moving.

My kid though, was gone. He could see that finish line and he couldn’t wait to cross it. He was running. He passed everyone in our group and proclaimed “last one to the top is a rotten egg!”


Taking it all in

He was so incredibly proud of himself and was taking it all in. He borrowed my phone to take pictures and as we started walking back down the mountain he would cheer people on that were climbing up it. “ Don’t worry guys, you’re almost there. Just a bit further. You got this.”

Then we started jogging back down the trail.

The drive home my kiddo thanked me for taking him and for reminding him what his body was capable of doing. He was so thrilled, that he asked if he could come along on the next hike, wherever I go.

He didn’t once mention mom had been the rotten egg.


Picture taken by my oldest