What they didn’t tell me

Everybody told me that being a stay at home/work at home mom wouldn’t be easy. They told me that I would have amazing days and then some really bad days. They told me the really bad days would make me want to pull my hair out and sometimes seek out a discussion with any adult I could find (my poor mailman).

But, they didn’t tell me that when your duties of full time mommy care start to go away (ahem, kids all going to school) that you would go a little insane.

Why wasn’t I warned that I actually might kind of lose myself by being a stay at home mom for so long?

Let me introduce myself. My name is Carlee. I am 36 years old and have been a stay at home/work at home mom for 10 years. 10 years! That number seems insane, even to me! When my husband and I had our first born, I told him that I would need to quit my job.

You see both of my parents had worked full time when I was a kid. My Aunt helped raise me. My mom would drop me off around 7am, 5 days a week to my Aunts house, where I stayed until my mom or dad could pick me up after work (usually around 5:30pm). My Aunt is amazing. She really helped my family and was/is a great person. I went to school in her neighborhood and during the summer did camps near her as well. If I had an Aunt like this to rely on for my kids, I might have gone back to work after my babies were born, but we don’t have anything really like this. So a stay at home mom I became.

I love the connection and time it has given me with my kids. But I also do not in any way consider myself a great stay at home mom. I have great qualities, patience isn’t necessarily one of them.

Anyways, fast forward to about 3 weeks ago. My youngest was getting ready for his first day of big boy school. He was going to be a first grader. Which means, this was his first time going to school full time.  Everything was going great. I’m pretty crazy about being punctual, so without much issue we got out the door on time, to take both him and his older brother to school. I walked my youngest in to class, helped him get settled in, gave him lots and lots of love. I attempted to go out the door a couple times, but he kept calling me back, for one more hug. I obliged. At the last hug before walking out the door, he whispered in my ear “I’ll be ok momma. But what are you going to do today?”

Holy crap!!

What?

You’re right! What the heck AM I going to do today?

Quickly thoughts swept in to my mind of reorganizing drawers, deep cleaning the house, finally finding a painter to paint the inside of our home, gardening, self care. Yeah I would do all of that!

But as I sat in the car and started the engine, I was hit hard with some heavy freaking emotions. I started to cry.

Who the hell am I, without my children?

What are my dreams?

What do I do?

I can find little things to do here and there, sure. But then what?

Do I have any freaking goals!!

So several weeks have passed. I’m not going to lie that first week was a mess. I cried more than I think I have in years. But now I need to figure out me.

Who am I? What do I want to be when I grow up?

Well friends, I have absolutely zero clue. But that’s why I decided to start up this blog. My plan is to start writing out all my thoughts and emotions and in the process figure me out. I’m going to start taking on new things, I’m going to start taking care of myself, I’m going to get some stuff done I have been putting off forever and I’m going to find me again!

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