This past week has been rough.
To be frank, I have been mean.
My emotions have been out of control.
I’ll snap at my kids or my husband. Then feel better….and often justified. Then a bit later I feel like crap all over again.
One moment I want to cry, another moment I want to yell. But I handle it the way I handle so many emotional things….I keep stuffing it down and finding all my happy oils to “fix me” and keep going, keep going, keep going.
Then it hits me (well honestly my sister reminded me). I’m coming up to the anniversary of my Mom’s death.
I cannot believe I forgot it. In fact, just writing this, makes me sick.
How could I have forgotten such a huge event in my life? How can I sit here and even type it, and hit submit, to then admit it to the world? As if she could be just erased like that…from my mind.
The thing is though, I really hadn’t forgotten. My body knew. It was fighting me all week to remember. If I had just allowed myself to slow down and to just be with my feelings….I would have known why. But instead I fight it. Just like I’m fighting the tears right now as I write. Why do that? It needs to come out! Let it go, stop suffering.
I miss her, I do. It’s been 8 years and in this moment, it feels like it just happened. I can’t believe she has missed so much. How is that even possible? How could seriously 8 years have just gone by?
This right here though, this is cathartic. I needed to own these thoughts. I needed to allow my body to just release. To surrender to my feelings.
The important thing I want you to take away from this is, events from our past continue to impact our lives, even if we don’t “remember” them.
When a big old emotional roller coaster starts coming at you, don’t fight it. Allow it to drive on by….run over you if it needs to. Just sit with it and let is happen. Pushing it away will do you no good. It’s a freaking roller coaster for cruds sake. You can’t stop that! Not on your own anyways. Let it move through you.