Emotional Roller Coaster

This past week has been rough.

To be frank, I have been mean.

My emotions have been out of control.

I’ll snap at my kids or my husband. Then feel better….and often justified. Then a bit later I feel like crap all over again.

One moment I want to cry, another moment I want to yell. But I handle it the way I handle so many emotional things….I keep stuffing it down and finding all my happy oils to “fix me” and keep going, keep going, keep going.

Then it hits me (well honestly my sister reminded me). I’m coming up to the anniversary of my Mom’s death.

I cannot believe I forgot it. In fact, just writing this, makes me sick.

How could I have forgotten such a huge event in my life? How can I sit here and even type it, and hit submit, to then admit it to the world? As if she could be just erased like that…from my mind.

The thing is though, I really hadn’t forgotten. My body knew. It was fighting me all week to remember. If I had just allowed myself to slow down and to just be with my feelings….I would have known why. But instead I fight it. Just like I’m fighting the tears right now as I write. Why do that? It needs to come out! Let it go, stop suffering.

I miss her, I do. It’s been 8 years and in this moment, it feels like it just happened. I can’t believe she has missed so much. How is that even possible? How could seriously 8 years have just gone by?

This right here though, this is cathartic. I needed to own these thoughts. I needed to allow my body to just release. To surrender to my feelings.

The important thing I want you to take away from this is, events from our past continue to impact our lives, even if we don’t “remember” them.

When a big old emotional roller coaster starts coming at you, don’t fight it. Allow it to drive on by….run over you if it needs to. Just sit with it and let is happen. Pushing it away will do you no good. It’s a freaking roller coaster for cruds sake. You can’t stop that! Not on your own anyways. Let it move through you.

9 thoughts on “Emotional Roller Coaster

  1. This is beautiful friend. I wish I could have met your mom – she has exceptional daughters. So for now I’ll settle for getting to know her through you and how fiercely you love and care for others. Thank you for sharing your story and shining your light.

  2. I have had a hellacious week! The emotional roller coaster of dealing with Dan’s health issues and a minor crisis, Gregg’s injury and pain, and the demands of every day life and work, are wearing me out. I have held back tears all week long. I want to cry, I want to fix things, I want it all to go away. I try to own up to the weariness and frustration and let the tears flow…but I can’t. I have too much to do and take care of to take the time to cry.
    This….all on top of the anniversary of my dad’s passing coming up on Monday, 9/11. I keep telling myself I can handle it; I don’t need to cry or feel sad. I just have too much to do to cry about that, too.
    When will I quit telling myself I don’t have the time to cry or let it all out? Not sure I can even answer that question….I don’t have time….
    I’m thinking of you this week, Carlee. I love you and thank you for sharing your journey with us.

    • It does you no good to fight it Chrissy. Its going to win if its needed anyway. It might result in you getting sick though. Take a nice hot shower and let it go. Thats where all my best crying happens. 😉

  3. So, everything happens for a reason. I believe this with a passion. And I’m going to share right now what I mean. I’ve been struggling this week too. I blamed the full moon the other day but this morning I felt like that excuse had passed. When I got home from work, I was sad from the stupidest things. Like, embarrassingly enough, a couple of people didn’t respond to me on Facebook and my feeling were hurt. One of those people had a baby last week and is stuck in Vero beach so I totally should be a priority, right? Crazy. So I read your blog and I’m like, what’s my reason? I didn’t lose anyone in Sept? But I did, a few years ago. The person who has meant more to me than anyone. My grandma. She died the morning of the black out in San Diego. I looked up the date to be sure. It’s today. And yesterday my subconscious knew because I quite literally told the story of her passing and the visit I believed I got before the call. I didn’t remember either, but apparently I still knew. Thank you so much. I don’t think I would have put two and two together. But you were inspired to your writing and here I am reading it. And I needed to.

    • I remember that blackout, you are right, it was right around now! The body knows, I’m telling you. I have a close friend who does a lot of body, mind and energy work. She has opened my eyes so much to listening to what my body has to tell me. Its hard to force myself to slow down enough to do it though. I’m sorry for your loss Jamie. Just sit with those feelings for a bit. Allow them to wash over you. It’s really needed. Writing this yesterday forced me to take it on, today I feel so much better. It’s how I was allowed to heal.

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